I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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