I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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