I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You're like the curious george of whores
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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