I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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