saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
