i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
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