Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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