I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
