so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
