Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
