Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
