One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
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did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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