So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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