when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
