It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
