I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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