If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have to summon your inner elephant
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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