I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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