Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
