help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
