You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.