is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵