I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine