He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
