I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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