Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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