he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
and eventually we just all took our pants off
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
