I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
