Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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