walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
