So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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