someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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