If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
