she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
