is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
