i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
