Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
