I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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