what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
