just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
