the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
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theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
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It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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