Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I made him laugh his dick is mine
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
why is half of my head shaved?
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