I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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