upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
