I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
