The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
