you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
