Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
