I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
