While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
