apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Green mimosas i think yes
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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