I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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