So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
