Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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