I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
